


His Dancing Memories

by Macaroonssi



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, he finally remembers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:14:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25953526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macaroonssi/pseuds/Macaroonssi
Summary: “It’s the memories during my time as the Winter Soldier. It was dark but I did felt warmth at one point in time. Like a single spark of light in the middle of a dark room that died down too quickly. I want to know what happened that allowed me to feel that warmth at times when it’s all supposed to be cold, you know.”ormy take on this prompt:Sam: Oh my god, so, Bucky and Natasha are about to kiss for the first time in years.Natasha: So you’re all just going to watch us?Clint: Yes. Now get to it.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54





	His Dancing Memories

It had been quite a while since Bucky was brought to the surface of his brain again. As days past, he felt more like the person he used to be before the Winter Soldier. Though he will never find himself to be the Bucky he used to be, the Bucky that Steve sees him as, he feels (he actually _feels_ ) more comfort knowing that no one is holding his strings anymore. He can make his own choices now.

He was getting better thanks to the joint effort of his newfound adoptive family, the Wakanda’s king and princess, and the Avengers. Why did they made such an effort goes beyond his mind? He did cause the Avengers to be broken once, and what did he do to gain such trust from the once so closed country to accept him with such hospitality? Steve told him not to think of it too much, all that matters is that he can help them by actually wanting to be salvaged, allowing them to help him.

His memory had somewhat been recovered, he remembers the missions they sent him as the Winter Soldier, what he did when he’s not in the cryogenic chamber, all those people he killed. Not all of them, they did wipe him out and tampered with his mind too much for it to be recovered overnight. But he also remembers his childhood. His teenage years. His first kiss. Days as a soldier serving for America. The war. Steve. He now remembers much of it, albeit it being in pieces. He didn’t mind not remembering all of it. All those will not be too much of a use now.

Most of the time he spends in Wakanda, helping T’Challa and Shuri as much as he can, but there are times when he visits Steve in New York and stayed there for weeks at a time. He stayed there in Steve’s apartment much to the captain’s delight and sometimes even hang out with the other Avengers in the facility. They had offered him the title as an Avenger, but he didn’t think it’s time yet for him to be in that sort of group. Remember when it broke up because of him? Despite that, they are still convincing him to join and told him that whenever he wants to join, their arms are always open.

It was a Saturday night and he found himself surrounded by the Avengers in the Avengers’ facility common room. He’s sitting on a single sofa while on the large sofa next to him were Clint who was visiting them for the weekend, Wanda and Vision who are cuddling up to each other with Pietro eyeing the two carefully. In front of the TV screen are Tony, Peter, and Sam ‘debating’ on which movie to play with the addition to Clint and Pietro who are also voicing their opinion. Across him is Dr. Banner looking exhausted already from the bickering of the movie picking. In the kitchen are Steve, Rhodes, Natasha, Pepper, and Thor preparing the snacks (Thor is actually eating them and not quite helping the others).

“So, how’s therapy going, Barnes?” Clint asked him lightly. Though most of his recovery was made in Wakanda, there are some good therapists here that Tony Stark and SHIELD assigned to help him. The woman was good, she’d been dealing with these for a long time and is familiar with people in his kind of situation. She had helped Barton after having his mind tampered by Loki, helped Steve adjust briefly and even helped Romanoff adjusting to SHIELD and out of the Red Room.

“It’s going great,” he answered, “less episodes. Less fidgety. More relaxed.”

“And what about your memories?” Vision inquired

Bucky shrugged, “most are there, there are things that are still in the dark though, not that it matters. But at least now I can tell which memories are real or fake.”

“I hope those are not integral to your recovery and are not that important to be remembered,” Thor added with empathy in his voice.

Bucky smiled lightly at him and felt Steve’s grazing look from across the room. Bucky didn’t know why he disclose the next information. It felt intimate almost because it’s really personal and he is one to keep to himself. But he supposed that talking to anyone other than Steve would help as his psychiatrists said all the time. So he did.

“It’s the memories during my time as the Winter Soldier. It was dark but I did felt warmth at one point of time. Like a single spark of light in the middle of a dark room which died down too quickly. I want to know what happened that allowed me to feel that warmth at times when it’s all supposed to be cold, you know.” He murmured thoughtfully as the others listened. Even Tony.

It was quiet for a while before Pepper broke it, “I hope that you’d find those memories soon, Bucky. And if you ever want to talk about it or just want some support, know that we’re all here to help.” He smiled thankfully to the woman’s response.

“Anyone up to some nachos?” Natasha called out while bringing a large plate of it from the kitchen to the room which delighted everyone and the room’s quiet atmosphere dissolved.

Now they all started eating the nachos while more foods came out, the bickering continued and the room turned livelier. The gang which was done preparing food are now sitting in the long sofa, some on the carpeted ground with fluffy pillows spread across them.

“Now about movies, why don’t we pick random channels,” Peter suggested and the rest somehow agreed to the kid (mostly because they’re getting tired of the bickering).

“Okay then FRIDAY, randomize the channel,” Tony called out to his AI and she did just so.

First it was a crappy Spanish soap opera which everyone agreed to skip, and then an F1 race which they also skipped because no one had any interest in those, skip a couple more channel then it stopped on one airing a grand ballet recital.

“Hey, it’s Swan Lake,” Pepper pointed out

“And it looks like it’s the recital that we failed to watch the other day,” Vision added

They were all invited to watch a particularly fancy ballet recital from Europe which is doing a world tour. They were all dressed up and ready but a situation in Siberia which included a foreign weapon broke out so they had to call it off.

Sam then protested though, “we’re going to watch ballet on movie night? Seriously?”

“What, you don’t have appreciation of the art of dancing?” Clint called out to him

“Look, I just want to watch a great movie, preferably action-packed,”

“Ballet is full of action, I mean, have you actually tried doing those moves? And Swan Lake has a solid plot too,” Wanda joined in

“Yeah, and also, I know someone who can kill people with ballet moves,” Clint said as they eyed the quiet redhead at the feet of the sofa.

Clint noticed the somehow empty and almost longing gaze of the said woman, and how she had stiffened with her eyes glued to the screen.

“Nat, you okay?” Clint said carefully as some others started to notice the tension in her body

“Fine.” She croaked

Everyone then started to worry. Some may have an idea of the relationship Natasha had with ballet.

“We can change the channel if you want,” Peter asked

“No, it’s fine” she replied trying to sound as casual, which she did but some of them, being with her for years now, can sense the strain in her voice. “That girl put too much focus on her legs that her arms seems a bit floppy.” She commented off-handedly.

The next scene was the dying swan. The solo of the white swan following her last moments. They watched as the ballerina circled the stage dreamily, so beautiful, so fragile, so enchanting. They did not realized how they all held their breath until a loud sound of breaking glass echoed through the room.

The source of the sound was Bucky who gripped onto his glass too tightly as he trembles violently almost mimicking a spasm. His eyes wild watching the ballerina and now lost. Steve and Sam bolt to him almost immediately and tried to calm him. Pepper turned off the TV as the others start panicking.

Bucky’s tremble gets harder and as memories flooded his head one after the other sharply. His head hurts as every memory brings him a sharp pain as if someone was stabbing his skull. He shut his burning eyes and his hands found their way to his head while he tried held in a scream which he did not succeded as some managed to passed his defenses. He’s sweating as the memory starts getting clearer, sharper, faster, bombarding his head. He wanted it to stop. It hurts.

_A beautiful woman dancing the same exact dance in a huge theater. He was sitting in the front row as he watched her, enchanted. She’s the most beautiful when she dances._

“Bucky, can you hear me? Relax man, we’re here,” Steve said as he hold his shaking shoulder trying to ease him.

_The same beautiful woman dancing the dance of death in a dark secluded room. He was also watching her._

“Hey man, breath, come on, breath with me,” Sam said as he guided him through a breathing exercise. He tried to do it, but his lungs would not open for more air than short pants

_The same woman. Only younger, much younger. Performing her knowledge on how to bleed someone out with a knife on a practice dummy. Him and a couple of other people watching her, examining her as she slashed the dummy in all the right places with terrifying precision._

“Wanda, can you help him?” Tony asked loudly.

She grunted in response, “I –it, it hurts”

_Now the woman –no, the girl was sparring with him. She moved to strike him effortlessly, moving so lightly, so flexible, so elegant, so beautiful. She flew as she aimed for his neck and trapped him with her thighs. He’s stronger though, so he managed to throw her at the concrete floor and managed to choke her. He watched her struggle and his eyes are locked to her bright green eyes._

_The girl dueling in a death match with a girl her age. Him and her handlers watching them. It was a test. He watches as she pinned the girl down in seconds. The girl bends her body to capture her in a headlock and she blithely evaded her, forced to let her go. The other girl threw a punch and she dodged before launching herself to the girl’s back and snapped her neck, ending the fight._

_The girl breaking apart and reassembling a gun in record time._

_The girl running through the cold of Russia only in her tank top and shorts on a race for supplies in a survival practice. Her fiery red hair flowing in the wind._

_The girl firing a perfect shot to the center of practice target._

_Him teaching the girl to focus her strength in every blow and how to twist her body to trap the target._

_The girl who had been younger, only ten at that time, acting as a lost little girl to lure in his mission to him._

“Pietro, fetch me my KY-78 serum and sterile syringe,” Bruce ordered

_The girl knocking the air out of him with a punch on the solar plexus before kissing him tenderly. He kissed back._

_The girl –no, Natalia. Natalia staring at him affectionately in the middle of the hailstorm. All alone in the middle of the tundra, their bodies providing heat for each other._

_Natalia stroking his hair on the floor of a cabin in the woods._

_Natalia squirming under him, begging for release as he rams into her. She moaned his name, “James..” Oh her voice is enough to drive him to his climax. A night full of ecstasy._

_Natalia sneaking out of her room in the dead of the night to his and disappeared before the sunrise so their handlers won’t catch them._

_Him kissing the top of her head._

_Him touching her._

_Him whispering to her ear, “I love you.”_

He felt the needle in him. Bruce had injected all the content inside of him and slowly he started to relax. The images are still there, stubbornly showing him his past but less painful now. His body started to relax too. His trembles becoming less violent and him finally taking air for his burning lungs.

_Them cuddling on his bed at missions._

_Them exchanging hushed ‘I love you’s in the middle of the place where feelings do not exist._

_Them keeping straight faces before the others at the facility._

_Them planning an escape to get out of that horrible place, to start anew. A family._

_Them being caught._

_Them being tortured as the other watched as punishment._

_Him being strapped to a chair with the handlers tampering painfully with his mind. Erasing her from his memories. Storing them in the place out of his reach._

His eyes were now more focused and he can see the outlines of his friends’ concerned faces. Steve and Sam still next to him, Bruce in front of him after injecting the serum in him. His breath was now steady, his tremblings gone. He could feel his shirt drenched in sweat and his face flooded with tears. The images of his past still lingered in the back of his mind.

“You alright now, Buck?” Steve carefully asked.

He nodded in reply and immediately Sam handed him a glass of water which he gulped down in one go.

“What happened?” Peter squeaked

“A ballerina, dancing,” he started breathlessly, “the most beautiful swan I have ever seen.”

“The one on tv?” Tony asked, confused

“No, no, I saw her live on stage in Russia,” he continued, eyes still lost, “she tried to kill me.”

Gasps and confused whispers could be heard throughout the room.

“No, she was brainwashed. They made her think that I was her mission.”

Then silence went for a while before Peter broke it. “Again, what happened?”

He smiled gently, “We both broke off our conditioning. We almost killed each other. And then we ran away.”

“They caught us again though,” a husky voice, a familiar one, added.

His eyes frantically scanned the room for the source of the sound until it landed right across him. Standing there is the familiar red hair and green eyes. His breath got knocked out of his lungs. Of course, no matter where or when she would do that to him.

“Natalia,” he croaked

“James.”

In no time he found himself standing in front of her. Natalia. The ghost of his past. The one thing they tried so hard to take away from him. The one who had introduced him to feelings when they took it from him. The light to his dark. His love.

Unconsciously his hand stroked her hair gently and carefully, scared that she will disappear any moment. He can feel her breath hitched as so did his. His grey-blue sunk into her rich green eyes. Warmth started to bloom in the pit of his stomach, growing and creeping throughout his nerves all the way to his once cold body.

“You’re alive,” He said breathlessly

“No thanks to you,” she replied, the corner of her lip lifted slightly

He only smiled tenderly at her.

“ _My little red_ ” he addresses her in Russian.

“ _My Star_ ”

After a long silence of them both just gazing into each others’ eyes, the infamous Stark had to break the silence

“Um, sorry for ruining the beautiful out-of-the-movie scene, but, what the fuck?”

After another silence, this one not longer than the one before, Bucky finally spoke

“I found her,” he sighed dreamily, “my light in the dark.”

“He was my trainer back in the Red Room.” She said curtly

“I was supposed to train her,” he corrected, “but instead I fell in love.”

“Love is for children.”

She smiled (genuinely this time) at him in reply. And after that silence ensued. Their gaze morphed into dozens of meanings, of longing, of missing, of hurting, of revelation, of loving.

The tension is hung in the air for all of the people in the room to feel. Of course, all eyes are on the reunited couple. This time though, Sam broke it.

“Oh my god, so, Bucky and Natasha are about to kiss for the first time in years.”

That brought the couple back to earth and realizing the presence of their friends. Neither one showed any kind of sign of embarrassment.

“So you’re all just going to watch us?” Natasha asked sharply.

Clint then shouted from the couch, “Yes, now get to it.”


End file.
